Monday, February 4, 2013

Deliverance


There's this thing I used to believe in.

Instant Deliverance. 

It's a rather common religion-centered belief.

Here's how it work. You identify a problem. You and possibly others pray/talk about the problem. If God wills/you will, you are then spontaneously delivered. Another name for this could actually be: Cold-Turkey. The act of stopping something immediately and completely.

The premise being that if you want something bad enough, if you want to be "right" strong enough; you will stop whatever harmful thing that you are doing.

Deliverance/cold-turkey works great for some people. They quit smoking or swearing or clubbing with friends at the snap of a finger. They release anger, because they say so. They heal from old wounds because they believe so. Which, if it works, is great for them.

The problem for me lies in the fact that everyone isn't a cold-turkey person. It's just not possible that everyone can just drop all their luggage just like that. We're not all built the same. And often our messes/problems are an inter-related jumble. We smoke because we're stressed or have simply formed a bad habit. We over-spend because we are depressed. We sleep around because we are afraid to be alone.

So just stopping anything/everything that may not be productive or good for us is not only complicated, but messy and overwhelming.

I have come to realize that I greatly value acceptance. Accepting my ugly, even if it screams:

I am angry. I am sad. I am scared. 

This is what is. I am not trying to change me or berate me or accommodate others. This is what is. And I accept it.

I am noticing the more that I accept me, the freer I am becoming. Then I can ask myself without judgement, "Why am I angry?" "Why am I scared?"

And as I become ready, I answer some of my questions, and leave others for later. But through it all I am gentle with myself. If I cannot treat myself with care, who will?

That is how I see deliverance now. Not a behavior to desist, but a state of mind-peace and love to attain. Flaws do not own me. I am who I am. I accept me. That is my deliverance.