Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Balancing Act

As a parent, I want so much for my children. And I am seeing more clearly with each passing day that I have less control over the plethora of experiences my boys will experience. In fact, I believe I actually will have a more lasting and vivid imprint on the way one can and should react to the world around us.

Through my life I am teaching these boys how to face their fears. How to deal with disappointments, unfairness, and defeat. I am one of their many examples on how to ask for help or reject it altogether. A two-way mirror on how to cool down after an argument or simply simmer to explode yet again.

Thinking this way helps me to put the big and little things into perspective.

Children are resilient. I know I was.

No, I may not have everything in the exact order as I wish, but I can still teach my boys how to thrive. And question. How to seek knowledge and continue to grow.

And that counts for something. A lot, actually, it counts for a lot.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Blow out the candles

This is the last week I will ever be less than 30 years old. And I must say I'm excited. For almost two years I hemmed and hawed and agonized about reaching this cultural/biological milestone before I was ready. I was scared witless.

But now, if you ask me, I'm ready.

I've wanted to grow up and have control over my immediate success and circumstances since I was 15 y/o.

I've been studying and preparing to certify as a teacher since 2007.

I've been walking/jogging/running to push my physical limits since 2011.

And I have learned so much about my personal boundaries and central wishes here in 2012.

So, yes, if you ask me, I'm ready. Ready for 30, ready for life. Ready to release any lingering doubts about what I came here for.

I am here to teach, to learn, to run, to grow, to pray. Happy Birthday Week to me!

Thank you, universe.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Be where you are

I was recently reading by Leo Babauta about being present in the space you are currently in. To cease scrabbling for more, better, faster and simply enjoy where you are.

That's something I've only done a handful of times. Most recently, during our family vacation to Minnesota I was able to leave all my baggage at home and just enjoy the moment. And I do realize that the most awesome times of my life have been when I've forgotten my goals and objectives and just existed.

But doing so more frequently and mindfully is a constant struggle for me. I sometimes think living zen is easier for people who have never wondered whether a bill would be paid, or if their children were receiving adequate education and opportunities  That perhaps stillness is for those who have never had to question their basic safety and well-being.

Then I remind myself that zen is a state of being. Not a state of circumstances. People who are imprisoned can find zen. People who are poor can find peace. People who find themselves in a strange land can still become centered.

Being where you are is about your spirit, not your postal address. And that is the truth I must remember.

Monday, October 1, 2012

You got this

No one finishes a race without support

I was speaking with someone Friday. Telling her some of the things I have going on now and things that are coming down the pike. And she looked a bit taken aback at the totality that is my everyday life. What she said next sounded a bit like my Fairy Run Mother....

"You've got this. You are going to be okay." 

"Think of this as a marathon and you're heading toward the last 6 miles. Marathons are hard, but they are mostly mental."

At this point, a little teary eyed I interjected, "But I have run a marathon! And this is harder than that!"

She shook her head, "But you've got this. You'll be okay."

And just in case I still doubted that advice the universe gave me a break. On Saturday morning, after many tears and dollars and tutor sessions I passed the Math portion of my IL Teacher Test of Academic Proficiency.

I can not fully express the load this passing score has lifted off of my chest. I am still pinching myself to see if it's real. If this mile of the marathon is truly done.

It must be...since I can hear those strong women in my ear saying, "See, we told you you've got this."