Wednesday, June 20, 2012

(Here)say


Lately I've been studying the principles of Buddhism and meditation. Reading on the process of being present in one's life and circumstance.

Not dreaming, or planning. But simply being where you are right now. This idea is so completely contrary to my core American values. The values that say "Dream big, the sky's the limit!" or "Keep climbing up that ladder to success!"

If you can picture it, I was calmly sitting in the hospital waiting area with my Kindle when I came across the section on being present. And I thought to myself that the very idea of simply being where I am and not planning for the future was a terrifying prospect. I do not think my body language changed, but on the inside a tidal wave of fear rushed over me.

I mean, since I was a little girl who knew the likelihood of getting the one thing I had requested for my birthday was nil, I had planned to become an adult and change that. I planned to marry. I planned a powerful career where my voice would matter. I planned the type of house I would have built.

And as I've mentioned before I planned out my entire high school career down to the clubs I eventually joined.

I have wanted since forever to have the reins of my life, without being tethered to the will and disappoints of others.

So to stop. To stop. To quit planning and be where I am. God, that's frightening since I am not at all satisfied with my here and now. The thought of basking in the glow of the present brings waves of anxiety into my chest.

And yet I know I must do this. I have to try this. This being here-ness. If I can just get through two minutes. I think I can tackle two minute.

Then we'll go from there. We'll go from there to being here. Two minutes at a time.